I need to go for a walk..

It's the PMS okay. Bloody mood swings. If I could I'd take it by the collar, shake it around a little bit and tell it to piss off. Isn't it enough that we women have to bleed down there without having to endure this? .

Sigh.. I'm sorry.. I guess I'm just tired..

I learned a new word today and it's imbroglio. Definition? It's "a very confused or complicated situation".

Stumbling upon this word was by chance to be honest. Someone said something and I was looking it up in the dictionary and ta-da! There it was! staring back at me and I'm going, "Yeah. Ok.. Coincidence?". I say this because the person who said the word I was looking up happens to be my imbroglio . I don't know really.. Albert Einstein once said "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous". So, here I am thinking to myself, "Yes, God.. It is so, so, so very complicated and thank you for reminding me," and I really am appreciative of this reminder because lately I think I've been allowing myself to be strung along a little too far than is allowed and that made me a little too happy, which is kinda scary for a lot of reasons.. and this word - this stumbled-upon-by-chance word - brought me back down to Earth and gently reminded me that I need to be wary with my feelings.. make sure I don't drop myself like I did before because, well, falling down face first and arresting yourself on the pavement really does hurt especially if you get scraped..

I've discovered that I'm a little bit of a cherophobic (fear of gaiety) or fear of being happy and I believe I have reasons for this..

I'm not trying to be Emo or whatever it's just that.. Life has dealt me a number of things making me happy and then just as I was accepting this rare gift life took it back and on a number of occasions I was left standing on the corner of Lonely St and Maybe Next Time Blvd like a jilted lover in the rain without an umbrella and a broken heel.

Again, I'm not saying I'm not appreciative of the things I've been given. I have a lot to be thankful for and I don't forget what I have been blessed with but my statement here is that I am afraid of being happy because I cannot stand the pain of losing it.. therefore I tend to shun/run away from/be afraid of anything that can make me remotely happy especially in the guise of other people.. because hey, people always leave, right? And I have had to learn this the hard way in more ways than one..

I am afraid to admit that I have fallen in love because it has been.. an imbroglio and succumbing to my emotions will most definitely do me in and I don't think I have the strength for that anymore.. I can't go and pick myself up again and again. So I am here now within this moment in time being in denial of my feelings and either way it still hurts..

I think that knowing what the future brings will help ease this thing inside my already worn out heart but unfortunately we can't know the future.. and maybe we aren't supposed to (as I have stated in an earlier post).

But, you know, a glimpse into the unknown would help in a lot of ways..
Sigh..

Signing off..

Siti